Modern day dating is a weird little joke.

There’s love at home💕

“I like you, but I won’t send you voice notes because you like them. I’ll call you, but sparingly.”

“Not in a fuckboy kind of way tho, just in a way that I’m too busy most times to check my phone. Work's crazy.”

“I want to like the things you like. Send me your favorite book, let’s read together. I want to meet your mom.”

🧑🏾“Tell your friends I said hi.”

👩🏾‍🦱“Who should I say is greeting?”

🧑🏾“Your boyfriend.”

These are actual conversations I’ve had in this wild maze of modern-day “talking stages.” I used to be a retired hard girl, remember? Yeah, well... she’s back, fully reactivated, and has zero plans of retiring again. Lace up your boots my babies, it's the ghetto out here.

You know the saying “Love finds you when you’re not looking”? I used to disagree. I thought maybe putting yourself out there was how love would find you. I really believed effort would count for something. But now? I get it. Love really does sneak up on you when you’ve stopped searching.

I got tired of being single. Not just “meh, nobody to gist with” tired, but scrolling through TikTok and seeing soft couple content kind of tired; wishing it was me. Low-key craving that feeling of companionship.

I missed the idea of having someone. My own person. Someone who’d hear my voice and know how my day went, someone I could send random memes to and overthink texts with.

So I decided to “put myself out there.”

Big mistake. Huge.

What I found wasn’t companionship, it was a carousel of emotionally unavailable men saying emotionally manipulative things in emotionally confusing tones. Weirdos in a nice cologne and British accent.

I found people who wanted intimacy without effort. Men who “wanted to read my favorite book” just to speedrun their way into feeling close to me. Ones who said ‘babe’ too soon, but couldn’t handle consistency if it smacked them in the face.

I ran laps and I’m back to where I started; but this time, I came back with something I didn’t have before: perspective

Even if I didn’t find my knight in shining armor, I found something better, clarity. I didn’t stumble into the kind of love I’ve always dreamed of, but I rediscovered all the things I no longer want. Almost-love, sometimes-love, maybe-love—it’s not enough. I deserve the whole thing. The kind of love that’s certain, not hesitant. And no matter how loud loneliness gets, it will never be enough to make me settle for less. That’s something I know for sure now.

But here’s the bright side: I know how loneliness gets my love; but never let it make you lose sight of who you are.

Never let it make you shrink yourself or twist your standards to fit the crooked mold society holds up.

Always remember, there’s love at home. And if there isn’t, there’s excess love right here.

I might love love, but I love me even more. A few weeks ago, I couldn’t say that out loud, but look at where we are now. These wild, ridiculous interactions really have a way of shaping you huh?

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll meet my knight in shining armor.

Or maybe I’ll block him from all the pent-up anger I have toward his male counterparts.

I guess we’d never know, my love💕